I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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