is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
