I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
