We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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