I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
