I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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