i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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