can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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