I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
