I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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