i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
