i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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