I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
