my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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