i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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