dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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