So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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