You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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