I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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