Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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