Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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