Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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