You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
