i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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