C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i think my tv is drunk
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
