Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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