he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
