i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
