My liver just broke up with me...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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