You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
