before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
