Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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