i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
