I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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