yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
