I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
