I can tuck mytits in my pants
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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