Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I love you. Go after that dick
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
