Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
