Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
