If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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