Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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