Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
