I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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