he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
