Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
