three words: i give head
three words: not that well
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
