he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
