I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
