are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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