So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
